Feeling like a not-so-super mom
I think there always comes a time in any new mom’s life where she feels her first real pang of guilt over something she does as a mother that really isn’t her fault. Whether it’s seeing your child take a fall you couldn’t have predicted and subsequently couldn’t save them from, feeling pressure from other moms to do a certain thing a certain way, or having something happen that you just can’t change… it’s bound to happen to every mom. And maybe not just new moms; moms with any number of kids, any matter of years of experience. I don’t know, I only have one kid and a mere eight months of experience.
But I’ve been feeling that guilt lately. Guilt over something that isn’t my fault. Guilt over something that I can’t really change. Guilt over something that relieves me from time to time, and makes my child happy. Logically, it shouldn’t make me feel this way, but it does.
Lately, I have been giving Asa a bottle of formula more often than not. Every day, sometimes twice a day. And it makes me feel guilty, and sad, and like I have failed at motherhood. But my milk production is not what it used to be; most days I don’t even feel letdown when he nurses. He seems much happier and fuller when he’s given a bottle, and with two teeth now, sometimes it’s just a relief not to be bitten, not to have a child who constantly fidgets and pulls away and looks around and takes forever to get a few mouthfuls of milk in. It’s nice not to worry that he might not be getting enough while breastfeeding.
But just because it’s good for him doesn’t mean I have to like it… even if I do like it sometimes. See, I used to feel like everything was working out so perfectly for me — I had a perfect pregnancy, a relatively easy labor and delivery (not counting the 72 hours of false labor), an easy time getting him to latch and nurse and nap, I lost all of my baby weight and more… and he’s such a happy baby, it just felt like everything was perfect. I was one of those “ideal” pregnant women, ideal first time moms, Asa was the ideal baby… it was all good. I don’t mean to sound braggy, it just… was.
But then somewhere around six or seven months, my milk supply started to drop. At first, I assumed this was the leveling out I’ve heard about, where your milk begins to lessen as your baby gets more regular and eats less with each feeding. Lately, though, it’s more than that. In the last month, he’s not always happy after he’s done nursing, unless it’s in the morning when I have more in me. We’ve been supplementing with a bottle more. Solely giving him a bottle at least once a day. And it relieves so many of my fears and frees up some of my time that I feel guilty about it.
But I also really miss the nursing, knowing that my body could completely nourish this precious baby, that I didn’t need anything else, that everything was working perfectly. I miss his really needing me to fulfill all of his needs. He still prefers me over anyone else most days, but he gets more excited and is more filled by his bottle than he is by me. 
It’s rough accepting the fact that I may have to eventually only give him the bottle until he is weaned from milk entirely, but I keep reminding myself that in the bigger picture… he nursed for nine months, nearly, and he’s a happy, growing, healthy baby. And so long as he continues to be healthy and happy, it’s okay.
Plus, it gives my husband a chance to bond more with him through feeding.
So today, especially, I feel like a not-so-super mom. I’m just feelin’ all that guilt especially right now, as I just fed him a bottle instead of breastfeeding. I don’t want to give up nursing yet. I don’t want to feel as though I’m failing by my body providing less than he needs. And I almost don’t want to feel that little bit of relief that I’ve got a little more time freed up to do other things. 
Dress, tee, and tights, Target | shoes and belt, thrifted | maple leaf necklace (as headband), c/o Oasap | earrings, gift
But it’ll pass! I’m not trying to be too depressing here, sorry! That’s just my life right now.
In much happier news, our at-home date starts in a couple of hours, and I’m really excited! I’m going to be making Paleo Mongolian beef (with cauliflower rice), which is ridiculously delicious, and I hope to make a fun night of it. Movies, cuddling, good food, time to ourselves at home… that rarely happens.
I hope you all have fun plans for the weekend! Happy Friday!
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12 Comments
jerry arnold
You’re a beautiful mom… Trust me, you’re doing awesome
Jane J Ahlfeld
Wish I could tell you the guilt subsides but I have a feeling that’s what being a mum is all about. You are a wonderful mother who is there everyday for your son. in the long run this is what matters. I’ve been a mum for 13 years now and feel guilty about something almost everyday. You will always be number 1 😉 xjx
Eccentric Owl
Thank you for the encouragement Jane! I figured there will always be something I feel bad about being a mother, it definitely just comes with the territory.
Heather Gwinn
I wouldn’t let the nursing thing get you down. I think a lot of moms go through this when the time for nursing comes to an end. I experienced it strongly with my second. Around 6 month I just wasn’t producing enough to keep her full and was so upset to give up that mommy/child bond that only I had. But like you said it does give more bonding time with dad. I know when I finally made that decision to stop, my husband was thrilled to be able to help more and grow a stronger bond himself. I think there will always be a certain amount of guilt being a mom. But it can also remind us of how much we care. None of us are perfect all we can do is give it our best and love our little babes. That effort and love will shine in them when they are older! I see it now even in my 14 yr old daughter.
Eccentric Owl
Thank you Heather! It’s exactly like you said — I think the biggest thing is giving up that mommy/child bond. But I am okay with giving that up to let my husband bond more with Asa! It’s so nice to hear that other people have gone through this, too!
And your daughters are just lovely, by the way!
Heather Gwinn
BTW, love your outfit! Super cute! I tried to follow you by email but it won’t let me sign up, instead it takes me to your shop. F4F?
Eccentric Owl
That’s so odd! I never knew it did that; I moved the subscribe via email down; I think it was too close to my etsy link and that messed it up for some reason. It seems to be working now. I’m so glad you mentioned it! I definitely had to follow you as soon as I saw your outfit on Modcloth. LOVE your style!
Avra-Sha Faohla
That must be so frustrating! Have you tried fully emptying your breasts with a pump after each breastfeeding session? I’ve heard that is supposed to help milk production. I’ve also heard Brewer’s yeast helps. But I’m certainly no expert. . . .
Lyndsey
I haven’t had a child of my own yet, so I can’t really relate to what the bond is like to have with your own baby that came from your own body. I do feel for you though, because you explained it so clearly that I actually felt like I could relate to you. I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. You are a great mother to your child, Asa is happy, and that should be all that matters. You will always have a special bond with your son, even when you do give up nursing, because you do provide him his needs that no one else can. No one can love like a mother loves. You’re doing a great job. <3
By the way, your outfit is adorable- I wish I could find some colorful tights that are long enough for these ole' grandaddy long legs over here haha. and congrats on losing the weight plus some! I know how frustrating that can be, so I'm definitely on the same page with you about that one because I feel that all the time haha. <3
Mom
I remember the feelings, you’re normal. You are doing what is best for your baby. If he doesn’t get enough from you, it isn’t your fault. Remember that. You are a great mom and would do anything for him. Love you!
lisa
I love the stripes + florals and colorful tights- this is such a cute outfit! I imagine there’s a lot of guilt as a new mom, but you should try not to feel that way- your kiddo is super lucky! 🙂
Desarae
I’m not a momma, so I’ll keep my mouth shut since I have no experience in this matter- but as a woman, I’d just say don’t receive the guilt. Guilt isn’t how God operates, He only uses conviction- and so often we as women swallow the guilt lie hook line and sinker because we are so hard on ourselves. You have a great mommy heart, you love your baby, and you are a well informed mom when it comes to the health of your baby and yourself. You are doing a great job- do what you can, and don’t receive the guilt over the rest. Sending a hug your way Kristina!
Oh by the way…I ADORE how you used the necklace as a hair crown/band! Such a fabulous idea! I’m totally going to use that in the future. 🙂