Peter pan collar, hearts, and more ways to mix patterns
When I first started writing longer stories, I thought that writing would always come in the flood that happened whenever I sat to type. I though that a writer who had the gift never lost that gift — that prose would be easy, as it was for me at the time, that writer’s block only happened for a week or two, that I’d never run out of stories to tell and obsess over and perfect.
But for the last three or four years, I haven’t felt that surge to write. I don’t think of myself as a writer any longer because I don’t sit for hours typing away through chapters and chapters of books I’m working on. I struggle to even create blog content that a good writer could consider journalistic. 
And I have never been a good journalist. Every time I sit to write about life, it becomes less an opportunity to make an interesting story out of every day, and more just a narrative of the sporadic thoughts going through my head at that moment.
So for my birthday, I bought myself a journal, which I have vowed to write in every day as much as I can, whether it’s just one line or a few pages worth of thoughts. I have always believed that the best cure for writer’s block is holding pen to paper, away from the internet and distractions, in a quiet corner of the house where no one can interrupt and all of the cat videos are unreachable. 
I’ve given myself permission to write absolutely anything in this journal, unlike the books I’ve tried to fill in days past wherein I attempted to stick with a theme, and even if I never end up getting back to that fevered young author that I used to be, at least I will have a place to jot down anything I want to with no worries that someone will be expecting me to finish that thought, publish that book, continue that story. 
Writing has always been so personal to me. I know that part of the reason the flood slowed to a trickle was that everyone expected (or expects, perhaps) me to put it out in the world for money, and attaching a monetary value to the things that come out of my heart just felt so cold and impersonal. I felt as though there was pressure to write for money, and not for the love of writing. To make a gain from the most intimate thing, the skill I have that has always embodied my heart and imagination and personality. In a sense, I felt as though I was being asked to sell a part of myself. My soul, as it were.
It got to a point where I became annoyed any time someone asked when I would publish, any time I received another review urging me to complete a story on Fiction Press, any time I was pressed about what I was writing and when it would be put up for others to read. I started not wanting to write, because these were my stories, and I wanted to share them at my own pace, on my own time. 
Top and belt, thrifted | vintage skirt, c/o Cut and Chic vintage | flats, Target | journal, Fred Meyer | glasses, c/o Firmoo
And perhaps someday I will publish a novel, or a book of poetry, or a short story compilation. But for now, I will keep my writing in the pages of this journal, and perhaps occasionally in the lines of this blog. It’s time for me to reclaim the love of writing, and drop the frustration that rises when I realize I am not the writer I used to be. Instead of trying to be the eager young girl penning fantasies, I need to discover a new identity for the author in my heart.
Maybe this blog is it. Or maybe someday, my novels will be published, on bookshelves here and there, satisfying that small part of me that wants to hold what I write in book form.
I hope you are all having a good week! Happy Thursday!
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9 Comments
skye
Oh wow, this. Everything about this. Especially:
“I’ve given myself permission to write absolutely anything in this
journal, unlike the books I’ve tried to fill in days past wherein I
attempted to stick with a theme, and even if I never end up getting back
to that fevered young author that I used to be, at least I will have a
place to jot down anything I want to with no worries that someone will
be expecting me to finish that thought, publish that book, continue that
story.”
I need to remember this, always. I am constantly telling myself not to even jot down a new idea, because I’ll just feel guilty when I can’t turn it into an epic. Which, ironically, probably prevents me from writing epics all on its own.
But yeah – seriously, this is totally how I’m feeling. Writing is the thing I consider myself best at, which is why I find it so hard. I’m afraid to be less than perfect at it. I’m afraid to consign anything but gems to the page. I love other arts as well, but I just don’t have the same stake in them. I can be endlessly prolific with outfit photos, because those just don’t mean as much to me.
https://colormebrazen.wordpress.com/
Eccentric Owl
I have been telling myself that same thing — don’t start any ideas, because you won’t be able to finish them. But that’s ridiculous. One of the things I specifically had as a young writer was a document full of snippets that I never finished, just because I liked the way a certain scene played out, a scene unrelated to anything I was writing, with characters whose names I didn’t even know. And that document gave birth to some of the greatest parts of the novels I’ve (almost) finished today. I think having a place where you’re allowed to write without pressure to finish is essential to a writer. It’s where you sort the not-great ideas from the great ones, where you inspire yourself, where you just set free without worrying about what someone would think of what you just wrote.
And YES. Writing is hard because it’s so important. Photography, to me, is really easy because it’s just fun and I enjoy the artistic side of it, but it’s not my heart and soul and it never will be.
Crissy
It’s great that you made the choice to write whatever you want in it. It’s easy to eventually become uninterested or pressured over sticking to themes. People kept bringing up money with my particular hobby and it was a mistake. Hopefully you’ll get that surge again. You have to do you first and ignore the rest. 🙂
Rebecca
I adore your pattern mixing and the journal adds a third print to the mix! I find a cup of tea, a quite house and a pen & paper one of the greatest delights in life (its the small things, I suppose). It can be a very hard balance when you are an artist between creating content that is true to your heart and content that will sell. Even harder is parting with the work when it does sell because it really is part of your soul! I haven’t ever been a great writer but I did sell some paintings years ago. I often think about where they are now & who is looking at them & how the paintings are influencing the owner’s life. I am sure you feel the same way about your stories. I have always enjoyed reading your blog posts because I enjoy the extra commentary and your writing style which offers a little more substance than most fashion blogs so I hope you keep the writing up! Rebecca/ daisydisdain.com
Babymoon Advice
That’s a gorgeous skirt–I love the floral print, and the color is out of this world!
It’s nice to have a journal always on hand to jot down observations or ideas throughout the day. Also, your thoughts are more free-flowing because you don’t really have the option to edit and delete your writing (unlike with computers). I hope you keep up with the writing!
Sabrina
http://www.babymoonadvice.com
Lyndsey M
Aw Kristina, you look absolutely stunning in this outfit, one of my favorites!
It’s hard to admit the struggles when it comes to creativity and something so near and dear to your heart. I understand you fully. I used to love to draw and paint, even singing was a huge passion of mine, but when I became sick it all came to a halt at the same time. Sometimes things happen in our lives that changes the course of our path drastically, making us miss the things we left behind. But seeing that you still have the spark to be a writer and a deep love/passion for it, that means it truly comes from your heart. You were meant to be a writer because even though you pushed it away, it always came back to you somehow. You’re about to be a mother of 2, you’re a wife, avid blogger, and an amazing being. I think you have plenty of interesting amazing things to write about and I hope you publish a novel someday. Don’t give up on your dream from being stumped for a period of time – you’re working on getting it back and that is the best thing you can do!
XO
Lyndsey of Dressed In Mascara
By The Shore, Life & Style
Oh my goodness, this outfit is just incredible! Adore the skirt & the mixed patterns work perfectly together too. As for writing?! Love the new goal with your journal, I too write “anything/everything” it’s incredibly freeing, takes the pressure of for me, and I often discover topics I’m excited to delve into a little deeper! xo
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