The frivolity of being
Postpartum depression is an odd thing. The way that it comes and goes without warning never ceases to catch me off guard; one moment I am fine and the next something has touched that deep sadness in me and it rises up to be prominent for a few days before sinking back down again. It’s not constant. It’s not predictable. It’s barely definable, to me.
This past weekend started with the slow rise of PPD, and I find myself today feeling the ache more than ever. I’ve noticed recently that certain people I know make it better or worse; certain situations, or sequences of events, lead to my feeling a plethora of things connected to PPD, things that I wish didn’t exist. Intense wishes to have as many friends as that person has, quiet assumptions that a frivolous sentence was meant much more deeply and sarcastically, a general feeling of loss of control. Though it’s not a spiraling, panicked feeling; rather, it’s the loss of my ability to control emotions. To control whether or not I feel like being a person that day. Whether I want to put on clothes or stay in pajamas. Whether I want to feel visible, to put my feelings into words, or to burrow deep under a blanket and stay silent on the couch while my kids cuddle and watch cartoons.
  
It’s that loss that affects me most deeply. I am generally known as a fairly calm, patient, and even-tempered person – minus childhood years where I must have used up every emotion known to my young self and exercised them all actively. I feel things intensely, but I also try very hard to apply logic and ensure that what I am feeling is not expressed wildly and unfairly to others.
With postpartum depression, I can’t be that person. I don’t know how to articulate what I feel about a certain opinion or a Facebook status without being sorely hurt and making it known. So I keep silence, and hope that one day I’ll be able to voice my heart on those subjects when I am in a better state of heart and mind.
I made myself get dressed today because taking photos and putting together an outfit based on this new skirt – which Hilary convinced me to buy and I am so glad she did – was really the only thing I actually wanted to do. As much as I also wanted to stay in pajamas and lose myself in the abyss of YouTube videos, I also imagined this outfit and I wanted to see it through. It’s not as if I’ve lost the will to live; far from it. But I want to live without giving up on the things I like to do. I want to enjoy the life I have without a tinge of sadness hovering like a cloud over my head.
I know some people think fashion blogging is frivolous, silly, empty, or vain, and I have seen it implied or made fun of recently amongst distant friends and pretty aggressively on a few website forums, but there’s something I wish they knew. This hobby isn’t just something done for vanity, to put on clothes and have people tell me how pretty I look, or have sponsors offer me free things, or have companies pursue a partnership with me. Those things are nice, but that’s not the point.
And I’ve seen it so much that people flippantly comment how they should become a fashion blogger and quit their day job; that they could do it so easily; that it must be so awesome to be given things just because you wear clothes… and they don’t realize how discouraging those assumptions are.
I don’t blog for money, or free things, but I have tried and it is hard. It’s a lot of work to photograph yourself, to edit photos, to write engaging content, to man several social media accounts, to pursue sponsorships – yes, pursue them, as they don’t just fall at your feet – to maintain professionalism when dealing with inappropriate emails, to keep within a reasonable time frame when posting sponsored items. Had I decided to go with blogging as an actual job, it would have been a full time job. Cultivating the persona needed to have content that sponsors want, above all, is exhausting. It’s a job that requires skills in photography, photo editing, writing, editing, marketing, art, social media, personal relations, and more.
And to see comments – not related to me, but still – belittling the people who take the time to create something worthwhile, who put all of that time and effort into doing what they do well… it’s disheartening.
Perhaps that was the beginning of what I am feeling today, seeing those flippant remarks. Because I have read so many other derisive things directed at fashion bloggers, I wanted so badly to hop in on this particular conversation and defend bloggers, to ask if they really meant that sarcasm or if they were genuine, to correct the assumption that it would be an easy job. But I knew – and know – that I was a little too emotionally responsive to it all, so I stepped back and let it be. Likely they did not mean any of the things their comments implied, and they were simply having fun.
I don’t blog for money and it’s still a lot of work. It’s not just posing nicely and posting clothes; it’s an expression of creativity. It’s a hobby that combines many of my loves – writing, photography, thrifting, vintage, styling, makeup, hair, costumery, sometimes poetry – and puts them all in one place. And then, to top it off, it makes me friends that are like-minded, who I can discuss blogging with and not feel a bit out of place.
I don’t exactly know how this post went from feeling postpartum depression to a defense of blogging, but such is the way of my mind lately.
But, speaking of friendships through blogging, yesterday Hilary and I went thrifting and this outfit is in part thanks to her convincing me that I needed a pastel pink tulle skirt. I am not a pastel person, and she so very much is, and I’m so glad she was with me. I would have passed it by had I been on my own, but I think it fills a good hole in my wardrobe of skirts.
Cape (old) c/o Oasap | shirt, belt, vintage bag, vintage brooch, and skirt, thrifted | tights and heels (both old), Target
I am so thankful for Hilary’s friendship, I have to gush and end this blog on a more positive note. Instagram brought us together; I had been aware of her blog for a while and thought she was adorable, but somehow it wasn’t until a few months ago that I noticed she lived near me. So, I commented, she responded back, and we (obviously) met up. If you don’t read Hilary’s blog, you really should; she is adorable, thoughtful, stylish, creative, friendly, pretty, and has some pretty gorgeous hair. 😉 And, a girl after my own heart, she likes nerdy things. If pastel/unicorns/Harry Potter/Peter Pan collars are your thing, you need to follow her.
But you need to follow her anyway, because she is just wonderful. She bought me the One Ring. How could I not like her?
I hope you all have a good Monday, and thank you for reading and supporting me. I appreciate every single comment, and I don’t say that often enough. You guys are amazing.
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9 Comments
Kathy H
Kristina, your post was very thoughtful today and I find it almost amusing that as you are apt to defend fashion bloggers that I am as apt to defend why a 64 year old woman loves reading your blog. Well, I do love reading your blog because you remind me somewhat of my younger self. I find you absolutely beautiful, honest and as much as the word is overused: adorable. It has been a joy to see you grow since first finding you as a single coffee barista wearing cute skirts. I say phoo phoo to all the naysayers of things called blogs. Just be you, keep wearing cute clothes, trust in the Lord and keep writing and sharing. You are more an inspiration than you will ever know.
SaraLily
I’m digging this outfit! It’s so…well, you! Haha love the new tulle skirt!
I also love your entire post about blogging. I have friends who love to make jabs whenever possible about my “everyday selfies.” That’s so not what it is! I take outfit photos for so many reasons – to log what I wear everyday (because I hardly duplicate a look but sometimes I look back and go “oh yeah! i loved that! i should wear it like that again!”), to connect with my social media gal pals (and I so so love that reason the most!), and to feel good about myself. I blog because it’s my hobby – it keeps me writing and keeps me creative. I have made $0 doing it and I don’t look for free handouts. It’s so much more than just taking selfies!! Arrgghhh!!
saralilyphoto.blogspot.com
Kadi
Is facebook a big help in your blogging world? Would it be devastating if you deleted your page? I ask because I often found that I would get sucked into facebook comments and little dramas and realized it was affecting my mood for hours afterward. Not to mention, I am pretty private and it is sooooo difficult to keep things private on facebook. Even if I didn’t post something, my mom or family member would leave a comment on my wall that hinted as to personal things going on in my life and other people would be able to guess what they were referring to and it made things so awkward. I deleted my page a few years ago now and its been wonderful! Sure, I do miss out on little pieces of gossip or the newest family photos, but its been so nice not dealing with the little dramas!
Mona Shirdel
Hello darling,
I love this entire post. From start to finish, and I couldn’t agree with you more. Blogging helped me so much when I was in a really rough place with my depression. It gave me something to keep me occupied with, and it allowed me to be creative. People who make those comments don’t see the full picture and don’t quite understand what a community thing blogging is. I’ve made so many dear friends through blogging, and for that I think it is a beautiful thing.
About your PPD, I’ve never suffered from it, but I’ve suffered from depression, and I just want to say that you are amazing. Being a mum, and doing everything that you do while battling with such a monster. Hang in there! You’re doing great.
SO much love to you,
Mona
curlsncakes.blogspot.com
Jamie Rose // Petite Panoply
It’s okay that you went from one topic to another in this post. Isn’t that how most conversation goes anyway? I definitely feel you with wanting to defend bloggers. Most bloggers aren’t the ones getting a crap load of free stuff anyway and those who do are most likely working their butts off for that payment. Regular people don’t seem to understand that the free things come with you being an advertiser/endorser of a brand or providing links which do have a value. Style blogging is such a great creative outlet, just like you said. I know it gives me an excuse to take pictures and put together unique outfits that in turn make me feel good the rest of the day. It’s definitely not just people telling you you look good. Hell, I could get that in real life without nearly as much effort!
Anyway, I’m glad you picked up this pretty pink skirt thrifting. It’ll be a perfect piece for a Valentine’s Day style next month!
Jamie | http://www.petitepanoply.com
Jennifer Sheffield
I can’t say a lot of ppd because i haven’t even been pregnant before, but i am sorry that it’s taking its toll on you. it’s definitely so important to have important people around you who will lift you up. 🙂
What I can say is that depression can affect people in different ways and unexpectedly, and I have been there, and for some people, the experience of depression can manifest in very different ways.
Your style is so fun and inspired. It’s very classic and not something you see all of the time. The more you push yourself creatively there and otherwise, I think the more you’ll find you can push through those harder days. At least, that’s been my experience.
http://herestothegoldendays.blogspot.com
nmettille
I feel you on so many levels in this post. I haven’t had post partum depression but, after my last pregnancy, I settled into a three week menstrual cycle and I’m a ball of raging hormones more than I’m not. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not alone in your struggles though. As much as I love my children, the monotony of motherhood can be crushing. On the worst days it is mind numbing and exhausting and it leaves me feeling beaten down and insignificant as a person. Blogging is my way of reminding myself of the person I am beyond the constraints of my family. It’s my way of flexing my creative muscles, stimulating my brain in a fashion that speaks to me, and connecting with people that have similar interests. That is so much more than being vain and fishing for compliments and it makes me so angry when people trivialize the hardworking and creativity that is required to produce good content. So many feels!
http://www.theclassyjunk.blogspot.com
Lyndsey M
I can really relate to you on so many different levels! I feel like we’re the same person sometimes. I’m extremely emotional anyway – so I feel like I can understand your PPD feelings even though I’ve never been pregnant before. Things hurt me unintentionally all the time- whether a friend sends a text without a smiley or a crazy radical post somewhere on the internet, it hurts me at almost the same level, which is incredibly weird and embarrassing to me. I keep silent 100% of the time and avoid all possible incidents like that as much as I can, which means I’m not really living, am I? I’m glad you can see through the little cloud hovering above you and that you’re on the up-and-out. You are a light to the internet and it makes me happy to see the things you post, especially your beautiful one-of-a-kind outfits. I think that’s what I enjoy most about style bloggers, not fashion bloggers, because there’s a huge difference there. Style bloggers blog solely for style, not whether or not your top cost $3000 or if your purse was the latest Chanel. Fashion bloggers are all about high end and labels, while style bloggers are all about sharing awesome style without worrying about who the designer is of anything. So if I see a high-fashion blog like FashionToast or Blonde Salad or whatever, I don’t even bother to read those. But when I find someone I could relate to as a close friend with amazing style and a beautiful writing soul, that’s what I consider worth reading. Just remember you’re not a fashion blogger, you’re a style blogger, so technically all that bad stuff is applied to the yuppies that never reply to their fans/readers and not us awesome gals. ;D <3
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