Mama+baby style: the cat and the fox
These past few days, I have not been feeling great about myself. About my body, about my abilities as a housewife, about my mothering… you know those moments, when there isn’t anything particularly bad about life, but it still just feels off to you? I’m going through one of those moments. And I am not crying out for comments that I don’t need to lose weight or I must be a great mother or whatever… I just want to talk about it.
There are a lot of fashion bloggers who happen to be moms, but I don’t think many of them talk about life as a mom, and how it has really affected them, and the struggles and the insignificant emotional problems, and the life-after-the-birthing-story life, you know? And that’s not to say there aren’t plenty of really amazing mom-bloggers out there who just blog about mom-life (Kristen is my all-time favorite, she constantly knocks it out of the park with her honesty and posts!) , but… I feel like with fashion blogging, you constantly see the pretty side, not the emotional or tired or frustrated or insecure one.
But I’ve been having a weird phase. A phase where I feel sort of… in-between. In between figuring out routines and settling into this new and ever-changing time of life, figuring out how to balance the mom part of me with the wife part and the blogger part and the writer part. I think it’s making me feel perhaps a little bit lost; I want to give the most of myself to each part, but that just doesn’t work, so some days I give more to blogging and less to wife-and-house-and-baby-ing, and some days I don’t blog and give more time to life.
And I’m not going to lie: the days when I spend less time on the computer are, usually, the better days. The days where the house is cleaner and Asa is happier and I am more settled. The days where I spend less time waiting on internet comments and more time playing, creating, mom-ing. I have never been very diligent about keeping up the house, and I’ve always had “reasons” for why not (being pregnant, having a job, being a tired new mom, etc.) but… the last few weeks (excluding this one) I was spending very little time on the house and more time blogging, and my husband asked how I have time for the latter and not the former — not being accusatory, only rightly wondering why I wasn’t doing my job, so to say — and I didn’t have excuses. Simply put, in my own words (and not his; seriously guys, he was being as kind and gentle as he could) I was being selfish and lazy, and there’s no reason other than that.
So then I wonder… well, if these non-blogged days are better, should I give up blogging? Should I end this thing I’ve been doing for five years, and move on to another phase of life? Would it be better? Would I be better?
But I don’t want to give up blogging. It might be ridiculous to say, but thinking about quitting this blog is almost as sad to me as the time I had to give up my cat. It’s a part of who I am. A part of my creativity, a part of sharing with friends, making new friends, feeling beautiful, feeling talented, journaling life and God and family. It’s part of my hobbies, something I do that is fun, a way to relax and enjoy myself. 
But I definitely need to work on priorities and schedules. Because some days, I blog and then I get distracted on other (beautiful) blogs, and then I realize that I haven’t been spending a lot of time with Asa — who, granted, has been happily playing with his toys the entire time — and I don’t remember much of the day other than what I’ve been doing on the internet. And some days, I crave more attention from internet friends and Facebook comments than I do from my husband, which isn’t healthy.
And then, in the scheme of motherhood, I wonder if I’m really doing everything I should be doing for Asa. Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to do with him; I am new at this motherhood thing, and what sort of games does one play with a nine-month-old who is obsessed with eating hair off the floor and hasn’t quite figured out forward motion yet? I don’t have a huge imagination when it comes to playing games with him, so I sit there and just wonder… shouldn’t I be doing more? And then I get insecure about my mothering abilities. Or rather, I wonder if they’re lazy abilities, as in, perhaps there are more games I should be playing with him, more books I should be reading, more things I should be doing to help him grow and develop.
And then there’s this body of mine. Look, I know I’m not horribly overweight, and I have an okay figure and all… but I don’t want to settle for “okay.” It’s a completely external thing, but I want to be happy with my body, and not just okay with it.
I’ve been eating relatively healthy, not binging on anything, avoiding the foods that affect me badly, paying attention to my eating habits, but I continue to stick at the weight that I don’t want to be at. I’m not gaining, but I’m not losing. I am continually aware of the jiggly bits that I’ve never liked. I was actually not going to share one of the photos in this post solely based on my insecurities, but my body is such a small thing in the scheme of life, and I refuse, even in insecurities, to withhold pictures that express my love for my child.
But please don’t think because of all of this that I am depressed or constantly down on myself. It’s not something I’m constantly beating myself up for, or always feeling. It’s just some moments are not as good as others. Eventually I will figure out the best ratio of all the parts of myself and where they should go in everyday life. 
Target dress and tights | thrifted shirt (originally H&M) | thrifted belt | JC Penney boots
Asa: hat c/o Janelle’s Creations | hand-me-down overalls (Baby Gap) and shirt | gift moccasins.
It’s just a transitional time, with Asa getting more and more interactive and more in need of my full attention, with the sadness of letting breastfeeding go as he gets more independent and more interested in feeding himself a bottle rather than nursing off me, with not working now but knowing that I will be going back to my shifts soon (and partly dreading it), and feeling much more creative in the blogging/photography area but not having as much time.
And, trying to lose weight. I’ve always struggled with my weight, and for the past two years was fairly confident with who I am, although I have always wanted to lose about 20lbs. I think weight can be the roughest thing on a girl’s emotions, no matter whether she’s wanting to gain it or lose it (I know people wanting to do both!).
You guys, I’m sorry these last few posts haven’t been as happy as normal! I really am not a depressed person, but I want to always be honest here. I want to talk about things that I don’t see other fashion-moms talk about. Motherhood is a fantastic, crazy, amazing, hard thing, and if you’re feeling the same… I want you to know you’re not alone!
I have been feeling particularly encouraged, inspired, and convicted by Proverbs 31. I want to be that woman.
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, and a very happy weekend!
And by the way, this is the LAST day to enter my cardigan giveaway, so hop to it if you haven’t already!
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13 Comments
Rachelle Marie
Oh, Asa is so darling! And I really love your hair, it looks so beautiful on you. I recently read a blog post about how to become a Proverbs 31 woman, and it breaks down each verse. I thought you might like it, it can be found here”.
Eccentric Owl
Ooh, that is a really great post! I love the application!
Mom
Every Mom feels inadequate at some point. Don’t worry about it. You will figure out what you can and can’t do and remember you are God’s child and He loves you just the way you are! I struggled with the same things (well not the internet, but how much time I needed to spend with kids and having a messy house and how much time I needed to spend keeping my husband happy and how much self-time I should spend) and my kids turned out really great, all to the glory of God. Love you, Sweetie!
Eccentric Owl
And you are the best mom! I love you.
Melissa McBride
Oh Kristina,
I think ALL of us have been here at one point or another. You’re just brave enough to write about it! 😉
A while ago I read ‘Crash the Chatterbox’ by Steven Furtick (sp?) and it really changed my life. It’s all about crashing the negative chatter that rambles around in our minds from time to time. It can get pretty noisy i there! Anyway, it’s a great book and worth the read.
I know you’re a great momma to Asa and I’m sure this season of frustration will pass. Just for the record- I do NOT think you should give up blogging. 🙂 I love your little corner of the universe.
Best!
Melissa
Azeezat
Oh yh! I forgot- (reading Melissa’s comment reminded me) your blog posts are always so inspiring. ^_^
I second that thought, please don’t give up blogging especially if it is your creative outlet? (Wrong word?) …
Xxx
Eccentric Owl
Definitely not going to stop! I love doing it and I love the friends I’ve made through blogging way too much to quit! <3
Eccentric Owl
Melissa, thank you! I will look for that; it sounds like a great book! And no, I won’t stop blogging, I love it too much and the friends that I’ve made through my blog. <3
Azeezat
Hi Kristina.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Eccentric Owl
Hi Azeezat!
Thank you for the encouragement! It is hard to figure out certain balances; I think these ones have been hitting me harder because they’re all things I really care about! Haha, yes the ish is important; things will never be perfect, but somehow it’ll all work out!
xo
Heather Gwinn
Hello Again,
I have only been following you for a short time but I’ve enjoyed reading what you have to say. Don’t apologize for what you post. If it’s speaking to you to share, you should. I’ve always been a strong believer in speaking your mind.
I agree that a lot of bloggers share only the best side of themselves and while I can’t speak for everyone, as a mom fashion blogger myself, I’m a naturally happy and bubbly person. My daily life is usually pretty great. But I am not without my struggles, my eldest can be challenging, my finances could be better, and I’ve gone so long without friends that I’ve become resentful. I suppose I don’t mention all my frustrations regularly cause I try not to hang on to those stresses and worries. I’ve learned to let go of the things that bother me and focus on the good. There is just so much more to be happy for. I’d like to think maybe perhaps that’s why others don’t mention it?
I love how much we have in common. I too can spend too much time online blogging or on instagram refreshing my page in the hopes someone interacted with me. My phone drives my husband nuts! I too struggle with my weight and although everyone rolls their eyes at me and the mention of it, it’s something that bothers me.
I guess what I’m getting to is you are not alone. I think you are on the right path and you shouldn’t get discouraged. It’s important to make time for yourself and if blogging is it, don’t cut that out. It’s just finding a good balance that comes with time. Sorry I’m horribly guilty of being wordy!
xoxox.
Heather
http://www.thearbitraryfox.com
Eccentric Owl
Heather, I’m the same way — usually I’m a pretty happy person and I naturally look at the bright side! I think that’s why I felt like apologizing, because it’s not normal for me to post about less happy things. 🙂 I LOVE how much we have in common, too! It’s so encouraging to know I’m not the only one.
My poor husband; it’s almost a habit for me to constantly check my phone for new interactions, and I’ve been working really hard on leaving the phone in my purse when we’re out and about spending time together. Ah, so hard, though!
And the weight thing, yes! Not that I think I am horribly fat, but I do have goals and there are areas of my body that I would love to be thinner or more toned, so when people say they don’t think I should lose weight, it can be… maybe discouraging, because you don’t get the encouragement you need to keep at it? Totally relate there, too!
Also, I LOVE the chatty comments! I’m so glad we’ve “met” through our blogs, I’m loving getting to know you better!
Lyndsey
I totally, absolutely, understand where you are coming from. I have felt all of those things recently (well, except about motherhood, but I do feel like that with Niyah). I sit on the computer most of the time while the house is a disaster and I haven’t cooked. Josh came home the other day and said “what have you done all day?” (in a gentle way, as you said) and I stumbled over myself because all I could reply was “sleep” because that was all I truly did. I slept until 2:15 that day. Stayed up all night the night before on my phone/tablet/computer. My problem is once I get on the computer, if I’m not free for hours, I’ll never get anything with blogging done. I need total solitude- like no noise, no distractions, no need to do anything for a while. But then I think of Josh and abandon the computer for days sometimes. Then I feel guilty for not updating on my blog as much as I want to. It’s so hard to find balance.
I think that comes with the bad side of blogging. Not only does it build you up, but it breaks you down. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in those seemingly perfect blogs that have blogging schedules and all that glittered crap, making you feel self conscious about your own life. That’s why I unfollowed A Beautiful Mess a lonnnnng time ago. Their blog made me feel like my life was so crappy and that their lives were just pitch perfect. But the truth is we all go through things that never make life easy. We all argue with our significant other, whether we admit it or not. We cry. We feel depressed for no reason. It happens. Just like those friends in real life that say “I’d rather not talk about it”, there are millions of other bloggers in the world that are the exact same way. They’d just rather not talk about it. And from that we don’t seen any glimpse of ugly from their lives on their blog, even though it’s still there. It’s just not happening according to what we can read. Blogging is a form of escape for some people. A place to come and relax and focus on someone else for a while. It’s nice to get your mind off of your own problems. The first 3 years of my blog was this. I never mentioned my illness or going through a terrible divorce at the time. I shared my outfits and socialized with other bloggers about outfits. That was it. So I generally understand what it’s like to hide your true life from the internet. But I have certainly opened up since then and have learned that it’s easier to talk about my ugliness rather than fake it. That’s why I also enjoy reading your blog because you are honest and up forward about your life. It’s so refreshing to read something that you can totally relate to instead of wishing that was your life. I prefer blogs like yours and mine over the fake blogs entirely.
So take a break if you need to. Don’t feel like you are forced to post something constantly just to keep your readers interested. I learned that the hard way. I burned myself out so fast that I basically abandoned my blog for 6 months. Your true reader friends will still love you no matter how often you post or not. Find a good balance that is healthy for you and your family. Then everything after that will be easier to fall into place. We’re here for you. <3